Dark night of the soul creates flashes of bright light, revealing the end of a tunnel. ..

Sometimes we crash and continue to go to the hardware store for bread... thus out comes the 2by4 over the head, and subsequent collapse in pain and fear.

 I have found that when I ask for direction but forget to mention the"disclaimer" to my Higher Power of "please open my eyes to see the answer You give me,  without the 2x4 over the head" please. .. that evidently I miss the messages that are right in front of my face. I remind both my God and myself that I am willing, and simply need guidance. I am willing.

 I have had many doors close over the last several months. Either they were not good for me, or I have outgrown them and it was time for someone else to come along their path to benefit both parties, myself and them.  Or...maybe I was enabling them to stay stuck by providing them a pissing post or being a scapegoat of sorts ...or simply distracting from where the focus truly needed to be - each on our own Recovery hula hoop space. 

A dear now passed mentor of mine used to say 'when I step out of the Creators light,  Eureka! !! All sorts of things are discovered.' Soon after, I begin to see the closing doors,  even some slam shut!  But I become equally as hopeful... and almost relieved, to see those that are opening, becoming and welcoming.

I remember several years ago when it seemed this "asking for spiritual direction" process was easier. I would have messages in threes: on a billboard,  in a Good Big book, or/and words from a stranger's mouth. .. but I was asking to also"open my eyes to see", what my HP had in store for me - what S/He would have me do???

Then, I admired that my self will and stubbornness kept me PUSHING along trudging. .. so that the only way I was diverted was when the door slammed,  and slammed hard!  Oh my,  skinning my toes in the process! Eeeeek,  painful. 

But,  baggage has been piling up, and refusal or denial of change til I have no choice. It is for the best-growth for all involved,  I trust. My HP wouldn't get me this far to drop me now! Or the other people involved, for that matter.

So I get to learn how to receive in relationship. How to relinquish the codependency Also known as the illusion of relationship, based on a dependence-independence cycle: 1 up,  1 down.  1 is on a pedastle and the other is below on the ground. This Dependence-Independence cycle was confusing: "I hate you, don't leave me" or "Victim-Rescuer-Persecutor" (Kartmann triangle as we learned in school). ..In real life, its painful. Good news: Adult Child work alleviates this repetitive insanity producing cycle and levels the roller coaster off to rolling hills of life. 

I get to learn more in depth how two things look: interdependence (true equality or "leveling of the playing field") with others (allowing a 2 way street of giving AND receiving) AND dependence on God and myself. Dependence on God creates independence of spirit. 

I would not get to move past this and on to greener pastures of new relationships had the door to two different women in my life slammed shut. This insight was born from the pain produced from their strange behavior, and my strong need to set healthy boundaries. Say what I mean, mean what I say, and don't say it mean. Now I practice the interdependence principles mentioned above with my husband, others, and best of all...myself. It allows me to be human and do self-care: "After me, you come first" as my long time mentor reminds me, a quick way of speaking about the "oxygen mask theory" explained upon boarding an aircraft. I am nothing to you if I don't put my own oxygen mask on first...not to mention I don't want to be a hypocrite!!

 One needs never feel guilty for putting their oxygen mask on. Let it begin with me - leading by example.